The Connection – Audio version
Blog Post read time – 4-6 min.
After reaching the reunion stage in my adoption discovery, I knew I wanted to share what I learned but I wasn’t even sure how to explain this wildly incredible but complicated journey I’ve been on. But I then craved a support group as an adoptee with people to relate and connect with deeper. Gratefully, I can say I have made some amazing connections with a community of people who are positive advocates for this journey with resources to help me heal and continue growing.
One thing that has been hard to accept about this journey is the fact that my biological mother did not tell my biological father about me. His rights were dismissed for reasons that are not currently clear. However, the life I have been given, and lived, is one that I would not trade, but the pain of us not being in each other’s lives has stung.
The man who I have now met to be my biological father I discovered has other children and never knew about me until we connected last year. I have a sister and brother who are the same age as me, and two younger sisters.
The other challenge was that there was no trail to find my biological mother and it seemed all the pertinent information I was seeking was buried in misconception and secrets with no intention of surfacing. It is important for those who are adopted that want to find out their origin to believe in their cause to the fullest extent. It is our right to know our story and choose how much or how little we want to find out. I wondered where my biological family was and if they were looking for me too. But they weren’t because they didn’t know.
With my biological father, I realized that we are alike in many ways but also very different. I met him while he was in a challenging space, and I tried to support him and meet him where he was. We had a strong connection initially but when the time came for me to want more in our relationship, it became an inconvenience. We currently aren’t speaking because a lack of foundation along with other complex issues in reuniting as father and son. I tried to communicate concerns to his (my family) but some of them shut me out and I felt dismissed, so I stepped back. I think it sounded like I was bad-mouthing him and creating problems, but I was trying to seek understanding in order to be understood with the hope of change.
I also made a connection with my brother who at first, I thought we created a good bond. Pretty quickly, I realized that we had different values that could not move forward sustainably. I have supported him financially, mentally, and emotionally because I wanted us to have each other’s back and show a way for something new to be developed that I had not witnessed in this family. But it was a one-way street for him. Once a problem is expressed what is received is distance, silence, and no reciprocity.
As trying as this journey has been, I still feel like it’s an accomplishment. I put myself out there. I was present. I was imperfect. I was authentic. I was loving. I was excited. I was happy. I was also loved. I was seen. And I was heard from my family during a time when I truly needed uplifting in this area of my life. I found my biological relatives. I put the courage and the risk out there and stumbled along the way with some mistakes. But I have no regrets in this journey. The lessons and the gifts are important. Meeting my biological family members motivated me in a way to become my best advocate in claiming back some power in my life.
In 2021, life moved towards getting better for me in ways that were milestones, I accepted a great job offer with an organization I was excited to work for. I also completed my master’s degree program during a pre-and post-pandemic time. I also was able to strengthen my financial life and moved into my own apartment, by myself with a renewed sense of independence. The journey I have described up to this point has been full of lessons and full of wins. I set out to find meaning and search for answers to some hard questions. Now I have them and I am able to keep moving onward and upward.
I can now see people who look like me, talk like me, act like me, think like me as well as differ from me in ways that fascinate me. That is such a gift that I remember often.
I have faith that the work that’s been done to get here has begun something new and transformed my life and hopefully those around me for the better. It is however my testimony and my truth.
I know this long winded but hope this resonates with someone who’s been courageous and made the effort to find and connect with their bio family. And to those who are considering taking this journey. You can do this!! Your life may change, and you may grow in ways unspeakable and unfathomable.
One piece of unsolicited advice: seek a trusted person or professional resource to help guide you. I have someone now who I would’ve loved to have been on the journey from the start but I’m grateful that I have them in my life now. They have helped me balance the expectations and desires I have created with the reality that acceptance is what will allow me to keep growing. It is critical to know what one needs to move forward in life. However, as shown here, if that is difficult to know, it may require asking some hard questions and start searching within.
This platform is proof that as an adoptee who questioned his identity for quite some time, it was empowering and clear to me that it was my choice and my responsibility to gain the peace I began to seek. To find the answers to the questions I had believed I would have.
I hope you see how tough and worthwhile a journey like this can be for awakening one’s soul. What began as something personal and spiritual has now been a call to action for me in strengthening my voice and speaking truth to who I am. I believe you too can be your best advocate and begin to move onward and upward.